we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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