this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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