i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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