Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
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