Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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