He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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