3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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