She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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