In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
