just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
