so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
