OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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