I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
