I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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