how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
