rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
