Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
