I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
