we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
