We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
