Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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