why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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