It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
