Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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