thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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