Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
