just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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