Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
