Is it because I queefed?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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