gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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