A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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