Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
