6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
