I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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