I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
