I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
if only i could text you this smell
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
