So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
