I'm jealous of your bromance
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
