Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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