I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
