you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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