Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
