Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
