I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
