no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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