I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
