he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
