Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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