Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
