I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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