Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
