I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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